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I could tell he was so disappointed, which hurt worse than any punishment I could have experienced. This is my first memory of being an empath. I felt every emotion he was experiencing firsthand; the pain and disappointment was almost crippling… I no longer felt the freedom to be me and express my emotions as they arose. I became guarded…so as to not feel the resulting emotions of others, the unnecessary pain within…that made me feel unworthy.
I have rarely felt such rage, such anger, such hatred, such fury as I felt that day...Five years of keeping all of my pain inside while I hid inside my cocoon of a back brace like a caterpillar waiting to be birthed. The hatred shown to me was no match for the hatred I felt inside for having suppressed who I truly was for so long. Not only while in my back brace, but most of my life. I had most often hidden who I was as a sensitive, an intuitive, a free-spirit, a non-conformist, an introvert, a completely independent free-thinker. I had played the roles as needed to be a chameleon. Then when I got the back brace, I hid what was left of me. I had created a shell of protection figuratively to match the literal shell I wore all day, every day.
I strongly believe what you put out you get back. I would be so nice and gentle with difficult people and felt I was putting out love and light, and then would get completely crushed by their behavior. Of course, when I am not in a vulnerable or defensive state, I know that others’ actions are always about them, always! They have nothing to do with me, ever. So I knew I had to look within. This was not about the disrespectful people who were wasting my time. This was about me, as hard as that pill was to swallow. This was about me!Wow, what a realization. It is one thing to claim you know this about others, but an entirely different thing to truly know this about yourself. I was an entitled victim, just like the very people who were disrespecting me and wasting my time. So the soul searching began.
I surrendered and released trying to figure out a plan for the next step. I began calling upon the angels and the Divine for clarity and for the ability to see the opportunities and people that would help me on my path. I sent myself Reiki every night for clarity in my dreams, for signs to show me the path. I immediately began getting them. Some of them I did not understand right away, but I did not dismiss anything.
I was in a mass of hysteria, but all alone, with my own observations and thoughts. I was not engaged in any of this. This is how I choose to live much of my life now. I can be in a chaotic situation and just go with the flow rather than attaching to outcome. I knew my latest shift and transition was complete. I knew I would not only be the observer on occasion, but could be the observer always. I knew wholeheartedly that there is no good and bad, right and wrong, black and white. I not only had knowledge that duality only exists in our physical world, and that balance really is possible and can be part of my reality—I had a new level of understanding of it.
What I came to realize...It was not about taking pieces of all the parts I ever played and molding them into one individual. I was to shed all of those roles and strip down to the bare-naked truth. I had to allow the rebirth of my soul to show me who I truly am, who I have always been under the many disguises I wore. As my metamorphosis took place over the years, what emerged was beyond what I could have ever imagined. I am whole in my truth. I am free!